


What Happened Was...

by Merkwerkee



Category: Masters of the Metaverse
Genre: Episode Tag, s5 e6
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:34:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22879570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merkwerkee/pseuds/Merkwerkee
Summary: After the metapilots leave this Metaverse, the avatars they had once inhabited are now left holding the bag. So of course, they have to get their stories straight before the authorities arrive.





	What Happened Was...

_Conference Room 1A, Capital Ship Rod-7_

Lieutenant Commander Tyra Powell strode confidently into the room and looked at the rather disreputable figure slouched at the table before her. Captain Grace Lyonns, bounty hunter and registered owner of a small civilian ship called The Queen of Spades, had been taken from the bridge of the Capital Ship Prism-5 claiming to have captured the notorious terrorist Lothar Kaldegga. It was up to Powell to acquire the real story for UL records, not the highly sensationalized version already racing along the Inter-Stellar Communications System thanks to Lyonns’ own allcall broadcast from the aforementioned bridge.

“Look, is this going to take long? I have a hot date.” Lyonns’ drawl interrupted Powell’s thoughts and the Lt. hid her irritation in a short shuffle of the datapads she carried. Settling herself into the chair opposite Lyonns, Powell brought out the dedicated datacorder and triggered the comprehensive recording function on it before deigning to address the woman in front of her.

“Please state your name for the record.” Something in Powell’s tone seemed to amuse Lyonns as she leaned back even more precariously in her chair.

“Grace Lyonns.”

“What is your current occupation?”

“Civilian ship captain and sometimes-bounty hunter.”

“Current associates?”

“Skinny and Kitty.”

Powell consulted her notes. “That would be one Mr. Hank Herbert and a Kae-La, registered Deathseeker of the Kala'kah?”

Lyonns waved a dismissive hand. “Yeah, yeah, that’s what I said.”

Powell pursed her lips and made a note on her datapad before looking up at Lyonns and folding her hands in front of her. “Please state for the record a true and accurate account of events as they occurred on the bridge of the Prism-5. Please note that this statement is for the official record and is not intended for use as material for prosecution.”

Lyonns seemed piqued by the last note, but leaned forward anyway to rest her arms on the table.

“Look, it went down like this….”

———————————————————————————–

_Bridge of the Prism-5, 36 hours ago_

“Hah! I have done it! I have blown up a planet!” Lothar crowed, the sweet sunglasses he wore doing nothing to detract from his expression of maniacal glee. Grace pulled her weapon from its holster and pointed it at him, finger on the trigger.

“Alright Kaldegga, put your hands up! You might’ve gotten this far, but you sure as hell ain’t getting away from me! You’ll pay for trying to fry Skinny!” Kaldegga turned and sneered. “Hah! You’ll never get me, not even with your super-hot body! We could’ve been so good together, you ruling the world at my side!” He raised his hands and fired off a spear of ice, which Grace deftly rolled to avoid. He certainly wasn’t to get her with that old trick!

“Sorry honey, you’re good but not that good. It’d take a real man to lay me out flat, and you don’t even measure up.” Grace took the opportunity to fire and got a clean through-and-through shot on his shoulder that left him howling in pain and clutching his arm. Two shots rang out from behind her in quick succession, and Lothar’s gauntlets sparked and popped as their channeling circuits were comprehensively destroyed.

“Glad you’ve got my back, Skinny!” She called. “Yep, Gracie!” She snorted. “What’d I tell you about calling me Gracie!” she shouted as she ran forward, pulling a suppression collar out and snapping it around Lothar’s neck even as she yelled. His scream of rage was almost as satisfying as the scream she’d gotten from that sweet barmaid back on Campinodia 7, in the little dive bar. It had been a very satisfying night, and the screaming had just been the start.

“You sinfully beautiful witch! Why could you not acknowledge my obvious superiority and our sexual connection!” Lothar raised a fist to punch her, and she managed to snap a cuff on it before he could lay one on her. “Skinny! Any time!” she yelled as she struggled to keep a hold on his arm so he couldn’t bash her brains in. Skinny ran in and jumped on Lothar’s back; the sudden weight was enough to send Kaldegga staggering and Grace used the opportunity to cuff his other wrist before activating the stun function in them and sending Lothar to dreamland.

Skinny pulled himself out from under the guy and brushed himself down a bit before Grace punched him on the shoulder. “What were you thinking, Skinny! You’ve got pistols, you could’ve just, I don’t know, shot out his knee or something.” Skinny ducked his head.

“Sorry, Grace. Wasn’t thinking.” He looked so despondent she couldn’t stay mad at him - not that she could ever stay mad at Skinny. “It’s alright. Hey, look at the bright side! We’ve got our meal ticket for the rest of our lives if we play our cards right, and neither of us is dead! I’d say we came out on top,” she said with a laugh, and Skinny brightened. “Guess we sure did, Gracie. Guess we sure did.”

———————————————————————————–

_Conference Room 1A, Capital Ship Rod-7_

Powell blinked for several seconds before shaking her head. “Well. Do you so affirm that what you have stated here is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?” Lyonns leaned back, amused smirk firmly in place on her face. “My hand to whatever deity you choose, that’s what happened.”

Powell stopped the comprehensive recording with a flick of her wrist and made one more note before she stood and gathered her devices. “Thank you for your co-operation. Processing will be completed within the next four hours and your monetary compensation determined at that point. If you need refreshment or to use the facilities before that point, please let the complimentary honor guard know and they will fulfill the requests as required. Good day, Miss Lyonns.”

She turned and headed for the door, pretending not to hear the grumbled “It’s _Captain_ Lyonns, dammit.” behind her as she left the conference room.

———————————————————————————–

_Conference Room 2B, Capital Ship Rod-7_

Lt. Cmdr. Powell strode confidently into the room, the twitchy figure sitting at the table obsessively shuffling a pack of cards so worn you couldn’t read the faces anymore a studied contrast to her last interview. Hank Herbert, registered cyborg and unofficial pistolero. One of Grace Lyonns’ known associates and picked up at the same time from the bridge of the Prism-5, he had been deeply unhappy to have his pistols confiscated as the illegal weapons they were.

He didn’t speak as Powell walked over and took the seat opposite him, merely kept on shuffling his cards. Powell took her time in setting up her equipment, but even at the end of several minutes Herbert hadn’t even looked at her. Reaching the end of her patience, she cleared her throat loudly and brought her datapad down with a snap. He twitched, cybernetics making almost-inaudible whining noises as they reset themselves, before stopping his shuffle and looking up at her.

“Please state your named for the record,” she said clearly, slightly over-enunciating her syllables; nonmilitary cyborg enhancements tended to be hit or miss on audio input quality, and she suspected his were more miss than hit.

“Oh. Uh. Are you recording this? Yeah? Huh. My name is Hank, but my friends call me Skinny.”

“To confirm, you are Hank Herbert, registered cyborg?”

He pulled as much of a face as he could around his augments. “Yeah, that’s me.”

“What is your occupation?”

“Uh, odd jobs mostly. Whatever the Captain finds.”

“That would be one Grace Lyonns, correct?”

“Yeah. _Captain_ Grace Lyonns.”

Powell made a note on her datapad before folding her hands in front of her. “Please state for the record a true and accurate account of events as they occurred on the bridge of the Prism-5. Please note that this statement is for the official record and is not intended for use as material for prosecution.”

Hank looked a little green in the organic parts, but put away his cards and leaned forward gamely.

“Okay, so, here’s how it went…”

———————————————————————————–

_Bridge of the Prism-5, 37 hours ago_

“Finally, my evil plan is complete! I have destroyed a planet! Ha haha **ha _ha_**!” Lothar shouted, still elbows-deep in his connection to the weapons system. Skinny reacted on instinct, pulling both his pistols and putting a round in the floor on each side of the maniac’s feet.

“Whoa there now, don’t go making a mess we ain’t got the time to clean up! In fact, why dontcha just give up and make this real easy on yourself?” Skinny called back, cycling the chambers on his pistols with a flick of his thumb. Grace appeared stunned by the comprehensive destruction of even so minor a planetoid, and it was up to him to make sure this terrorist asshole didn’t barbecue them both.

“You think you can defeat me? _Me_? Lothar Kaldegga?? I have the power of a capital warship on my side! I am unstoppable!” And the guy had gone full megalomania. Neat. Skinny took two more neat shots and suddenly Lothar had a few more things on his mind besides universal domination. Namely, the two holes Skinny’d just shot in his knees.

“You son of a _bitch!_ ” Lothar howled, dropping from the console to clutch at his legs. Skinny frowned. “You kiss your mother with that mouth? Captain, get the collar ‘n stuff on him, I got you covered.”

Grace finally blinked out of the stupor she’d been standing in and went to go grab one of the suppression collars and a set of stun-cuffs from the nearest storage point. Kaldegga glared hatefully after her for a long moment, before turning his eyes on Skinny.

“You’ll never take me in, you know. I have powers far beyond your pathetic machinery!” Skinny pretended to consider it for a moment before shrugging, gun muzzles never losing their train on Lothar. “And I have guns. Which one of us is sitting on the floor bleeding, again?”

Kaldegga didn’t have time to retort as Grace chose that moment to stride back on the bridge with collar and cuffs in hand. “Put 'em on 'im,” Skinny said and gestured to Kaldegga with one pistol.

“Yeah, yeah, I got it,” Grace replied breezily as she walked over to Lothar….right through Skinny’s line of fire. “Grace -!”

With a roar, Kaldegga came up off the floor and grabbed Grace, spinning her around and putting an arm around her neck. “Drop your weapon or I’ll snap her like a twig!” he shouted, and visibly twisted her neck until she whimpered when Skinny hesitated.

“Woah, woah! I’m putting them down, I’m putting them down slowly…” Skinny crouched slowly and brought his guns down like he was going to put them down on the deck, before whipping them up lightning-quick and shooting Lothar in the shoulder. Kaldegga dropped Grace with a scream of pain, and she spun around and kicked him in the junk before snapping the collar on his neck and the cuffs on his wrists.

When she finished, she turned back to Skinny. “Damn it, Skinny - ” “You stepped in front of my shot! What was I supposed to do!” He rebuffed before she could finish, and she shook her head. “Well, we got the guy. Guess that counts as a win.”

———————————————————————————–

_Conference Room 2B, Capital Ship Rod-7_

Powell made a few notes on her datapad before she sat back in her seat and regarded the cyborg sitting in front of her with a level stare. He fidgeted under her gaze, and she waited until he went for his pack of cards before speaking. “Do you so affirm that what you have stated here is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”

He started, nearly dropping his cards. “Uh, yeah. Definitely. Word for word, exactly what happened.”

Powell stopped the comprehensive recorder with a practiced motion, and made a few more notes in her datapad before standing up. “Very well. The United League thanks you for your co-operation. The data processing will be completed within the next three hours and your monetary compensation will be determined and transferred at that point in time. If you need refreshment or to use the facilities before processing is complete, please let the complimentary honor guard posted outside the door know and they will acquire it as required. Good day, Mr. Herbert.”

He was shuffling his cards again before she’d even left the room.

———————————————————————————–

_Containment Unit 311144, Capital Ship Rod-7_

Powell walked briskly into the interrogator chamber, separated from the containment unit by thick plates of duracrystal layered with force fields. Inside the containment chamber, the Kala'kah continued to stretch languidly into poses no human could ever hope to achieve, paying no attention to the chime Powell had sounded before entry. Frowning, Powell took out her datapad before prodding the intercom system.

“This is Lieutenant Commander Powell of the United League. Please state your designation and occupation, now, for the official record. This conversation will be recorded for later review.” The Kala'kah took one last impossible stretch before leaping lightly to her feet.

“I am Kae-la, Deathseeker. Grace Lyonns holds my contract; my will is her will. My actions are her actions. My job is her job.”

Powell made a note on her datapad before turning back to the intercom. “Please state for the record a true and accurate account of events as they occurred on the bridge of the Prism-5.”

The Kala'kah leaned toward the duracrystal viewport. “The way it happened was thusly…”

———————————————————————————–

_Bridge of the Prism-5, 39 hours ago_

“It is the inevitable end produced by my will; look upon what is no more, and despair at my power,” Lothar Kaldegga stated forcefully, has hands clasped tight to the weapons system that had, mere moments earlier, reduced a planetoid to its base components. His dream of catastrophe realized, he turned to face the three arrayed behind him. “You cannot hope to defeat me. I have triumphed, and all who oppose me shall find themselves condemned to the same fate. Join me, and know what true power is.”

Grace Lyonns stepped forward. “You are as mistaken as you are cruel, sir. After your vile and calamitous attack upon my comrade, there is no avenue for you to pursue that ends in victory. I was not in time to stop you from destroying that planet, but you will not find me so slow on a second try.” Her speech as aggressive as her movements, she brought her gun to bear on Lothar Kaldegga, Skinny Herbert’s guns already there.

“Kae-La, go and retrieve a suppression collar and stun cuffs for his wrists; we would not wish to be found wanting when this vile villain finds himself victim of our combined wit, and given over to those who would rewards us for such actions in the United League.” Grace Lyonns’ body was as wary as Skinny Herbert’s was still; neither his guns nor his eyes left Lothar Kaldegga’s form even as Kae-la pulled the requested items from their storage.

It was only as she approached to clasp them in their proper places that Lothar Kaldegga made his move. Fire flew from his hands as he made to move around Kae-la and out the bridge door, and Skinny Herbert screamed as the flames licked what was left of his skin. Grace Lyonns, however, remained undaunted and fired a single round into Lothar Kaldegga’s shoulder. Kae-la, in her turn, tore his gauntlets off with two arms while the other two secured the collar around his neck.

Apparently, putting on a suppression collar while magic was in active use was an extremely painful experience; Lothar Kaldegga’s screaming ceased only when the stun cuffs were also applied, and activated in the proper fashion. As he slumped unconscious to the floor, Grace Lyonns assessed Skinny Herbert’s condition and pronounced him to be both fine and a large, immature form of the species.

“And to think, with the bounty we shall receive from turning this miscreant in to the proper authorities, you may yet get an upgrade to what burned.”

———————————————————————————–

_Containment Unit 311144, Capital Ship Rod-7_

Powell waited a few seconds more, but the Kala'kah seemed to have finished its story. “Do you so affirm that what you have stated here is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?” she asked; the form was required even if the testimony would likely be stricken from the record as irrelevant. Still, nothing was ever lost by being thorough.

“I do so affirm,” was the Kala'kah’s calm response, and Powell deactivated the intercom system before walking out. She had an hour to compile all this into some kind of coherent report for the record, and she wanted a stiff drink before she buckled down to it.

———————————————————————————–

_The Queen of Spades, 2 hours later_

“Think they bought it, Gracie?” Skinny asked as he pulled the disassembled pieces of a power-armor gauntlet out of his pockets and dumped them on a nearby table that also housed a bowl of dried, unidentifiable sludge and six shot glasses stacked into a pyramid. The topmost glass fell and shattered, and Skinny cursed.

“I mean, even if they didn’t buy it it’s not like they can charge us with anything. They can’t prove it didn’t happen like we said, and that’s the important bit. You remembered to sic Sweet Pea on those camera feeds, right?” Grace asked as she flopped into her favorite chair on the Queen.

“Yeah, yeah, Sweet Pea went in and deleted the last day from all feeds, smooth as Sakissian silk.” Kae-La padded silently to a corner and curled up on the heap of fabric and pillows she’d carefully constructed there while Skinny talked, earning her a raised eyeridge from the man.

“Good. Long as they don’t know what actually happened, it’s smooth sailing from here on out…”

———————————————————————————–

**What Actually Happened**

_Bridge of the Prism-5, 41 hours ago_

“Skinny, what the _hell_ happened?” Grace’s voice sounded unusually annoyed and Skinny brought a hand to his head to massage away the ringing ache. Clonking himself in the head with the gun already in his hand didn’t help that ache any, and he swore.

“I don’t know, Captain. One minute I’m shooting the shit out of some damned UL goons and next I remember, I’m here and he’s there. Everything between’s a blur.” He glanced over to where he’d gestured towards 'he’ and almost had a heart attack at the sight of Lothar Kaldegga, cuffed and collared and looking ready for murder. “Holy shit, Grace, how the hell’d we catch him?”

“Don’t call me Grace in front of the captive,” she responded absently, eyes darting around the bridge and taking in the relatively undamaged state of it….except for the scorchmarks around Skinny’s feet. Her gaze focused on those with an almost laser intensity before snapping to Lothar. “What did you do?”

Lothar sneered and shrugged as best he could in the cuffs. “He was in my way. Removing him was step one to taking complete control of this ship and crushing my enemies.” He seemed unperturbed by the relatively petite captain marching towards him as he spoke, and merely let his eyes wander suggestively up and down as she got closer. “You know - ”

Grace pulled out her gun and shot him in the shoulder. He dropped with a hoarse cry, and she planted a toe-kick in his crotch. “That’s for trying to kill Skinny, you bastard, and that’s for thinking I’d pick you over him for some _dick_.” She stalked back over to where Skinny stood in appreciative silence and glared at Lothar some more before looking around again.

“Okay, we’re on the bridge of what looks like a Capital Ship - ugh - with a wanted mass murderer who apparently just blew up the planet for which I was promised some pretty damn _magnificent_ beard. How far up the creek are we?” She cut a glance over at Skinny. “And why are you wearing power armor?”

Skinny looked down at himself. Huh, he’d wondered why his pants were so tight. “I don’t know, Captain.” “Well, take it off, then, you look ridiculous. Get Kitty to help you.” She looked back out over the bridge and he turned and nearly jumped out of his skin at the enormous Kala'kah standing right behind him.

Swallowing down a curse, he held out one power-armored hand. “Careful with the gauntlets, I think the Captain will be wanting them later.” Kitty merely nodded and tore the arm from the armor without apparent effort. In fact, it didn’t take her long at all to reduce the armor to so much scrap and two arm-pieces; Skinny, in his turn, wasted no time starting to disassemble the gauntlets.

Grace spoke up suddenly, nearly causing Skinny to drop the wrench he’d been using to pry the casing off. “I think I’ve got a plan,” she said with confidence, and Skinny and Kitty shared a Look before Kitty shrugged and Skinny sighed. “Well, I got nothing, Captain, so I’d be glad to hear it.”

She turned to them with a manic gleam in her eyes. “We turn Kaldegga in.”

Skinny waited several seconds but there was nothing else forthcoming. “We turn him in, we get arrested for conspiring so the UL doesn’t gotta pay his bounty, and they shoot us. I don’t see how that helps,” he said finally, setting his wrench on the floor to grab the screwdriver Kitty helpfully held out for him.

“Not if we tell everyone else at the same time,” she responded smugly and he dropped the screwdriver. It would’ve gone right through his foot if Kitty hadn’t caught it, but he was too busy staring at Grace to notice. “You mean - ”

“Broadcast it to the ISCS that we caught Lothar Kaldegga just as he was testing a capital ship he stole, yep.” When the other two didn’t immediately jump for joy, she made an impatient noise. “Think about it. All capital ships are equipped with direct-line ISCS access, we wouldn’t even have to hop a node. All we need is Sweet Pea to set up the broadcast and then we’re whatever we wanna broadcast we are. Big damn heroes, even.”

Skinny had slowly warmed up to the idea as Grace talked, and now he was nodding enthusiastically. “Right. What should we say happened?” Grace paused for a second, frowning. “Well, we didn’t get here in time to stop Lothar from blowing up that planet - does anyone remember what was on the planet?” Her question was met with shaking heads and she shrugged. “So we didn’t get here in time to stop him, but we get here and he’s doing the whole evil villain thing, we stopped him, we saved the ship and probably half the galaxy. Sound good?”

Skinny thought for a second, then pulled out one of his pistols and shot Lothar in the leg. “Authenticity, captain. If that’s what you want to do, then I’m with you.”

Grace grinned. “Let’s do it.”


End file.
